So my “as long as I know the basics, I’ll blag my way through” policy is not reeeeally working. See it’s okay for a politics or philosophy or even English exam where you can upholster a one-sentence point with a thick wadding of totally unnecessary, very flowery words. But maths...? Doesn’t really work that way unfortunately. It’s gotten to a point where I can do the first part of every question on the exam paper but it’s the damn part (c)’s and (d)’s that are causing me grief. Looks like I’m just going to have to go back and ‘upholster’ my own knowledge on the subject instead.
I’m quite literally turning green with envy as I see friends, co-FaceBookers and the like who’re already free. It’s frustrating because I’m still stuck in that “limbo” and until these exams aren’t done and dusted out the way there’s no breaking out either. I think my boredom is making a misery out of me too (ask my family lol) but mum always asks me why I am in such a rush. She says it’s just a phase, so stick with it, in a few weeks you’ll be free anyway. And I s’pose she’s got a point. In a way I feel that everything will fall into place by the end of the week - all the formulas and equations will suddenly make perfect sense in that ‘Eureka’ moment and we’ll all live happily ever after :D Wish for me please. I’m wishing hard for a miracle.
So I’ve FINALLY made a dent in my revision following the dullest (yester)day in the history of mankind – but BOY do I feel relieved. Bored out of my wits, yes. Mind-numbed after tedious upon tedious minute of mathematics for economists, yes. But still, worth it for the slight relief of having gotten some work done! I still have a long way to go though and this lack of concentration-ness is not helping one bit – I find I stare at a page for undefined periods of time (can range from 2 minutes to 25) without taking in so much as even the title. Not good. I’ve never been through ‘heartbreak’ before, but in hindsight, why isn’t love bloody sold with a health warning on the packet?! You know, like with cigarettes. Warning: Lost Love Kills or Sleepless nights, Broken Trust, and Estranged Boyfriend Beyond: Enter at your own risk. Nah, no warning. Not even an inkling quite frankly. Friends say don’t worry, just chill, it takes time...Family say throw yourself into life, distract yourself left right and centre. Effectively, you gotta convince your brain there’s no boyfriend-shaped hole in your life anymore by filling the gap with activities, hobbies, distractions, passions and anything slash everything else, fooling your mind into forgetting.But, as another friend rather wisely pointed out I’m “emotionally vacant”, not “mentally”. Emotionally = emotions = matters relating to the heart. Yeah, my mind can be explained away, but what about the bruised, broken and slightly pathetic little heart?! It’s amidst this painstaking emotional vacancy that I come to the conclusion (and I think I speak on behalf of girls in general here) that forgetting somebody you love has to be one of the hardest things ever.
But I’ll tell you what’s probably harder - I seem to spend a lot of time in and out of the kitchens at work these days, and I was chatting to the chef, ‘C’ for a while on Sunday morning. I wouldn’t say I’m nosy exactly but I do like to know the feelings and fears behind a face. People are not subjects but walking, talking books of history and it’s with this curiosity that I asked C if he misses home (the Philippines) especially in the winter months. His answer was ‘Yes, but what choice to I have? I have two teenage sons and education back home is not free. I earn enough here to give them a good education there.’ It’s humbling because I’d always thought there’s no reason good enough for staying away from loved ones. He hasn’t set eyes on his family for over a year – and that must be bloody tough!
It’s been quite a good day today and I don’t actually feel too guilty for indulging myself because I banged out the revision with surprising efficiency yesterday – started with a lovely jog through the countryside with mum followed by coffee with a (recently returned from India) reeeeeally good friend. Bumped into numerous ex-colleagues in Watford, South-Indian lunch with mum and then a little revision when we got in.Spent some time cooking for the family (mushroom farfalle, yummy yummy yum yum ) and also submitted another article to YouGov. The best part though has to be my roses. Mum and I have spent a long time in the gardens over the years and it’s so lovely to see efforts coming to fruition.
I remember being in Stockholm a while back, pondering the leisure of waking up to sunshine beaming in through the window - one of life's greatest pleasures, I said, but I think I might have to repeal my words. One of life's little pleasures, it is, but it's just that being woken by the gentle pitter-patter of a spring shower probably comes in a marginal winner. Sunshine gives you motivation to get out of bed and get on with your day, whereas the rain and the expectant, overcast skies provide justification for cuddling back down, making yourself a coffee and watching movies in bed. There’s something so refreshing about rain, the earthy smell and cool moist breeze that comes with it. It's massively romanticised in Bollywood movies, (for those who don’t know, I post a clip for your reference – it’s from a rather quirky little movie called ‘Wake Up Sid’) so having grown up watching them I guess it’s a pretty clear explanation as to why I find the rains so evocative. It’s been a long spell of warm, dry weather and today, the rain was a revitalizing break (almost) like the Mumbai monsoons (mini-heatweave, followed by a mini-monsoon, if you catch my drift?) Ahhhh the monsoons - I think it’s time we met again.
I feel it’s been a while since I blogged about day-to-day happenings. It’s so easy to be pretentious (or 'poncy' as my friend puts it) in writing but that’s definitely not how I’d like to come across - I’ve been through a bit of rough patch in life and while break-ups, agreed, aren’t the end of the world, it can be hard to accept that someone walked away from you as though you didn't give them anything worth staying for. And that’s what my past few blog posts have been about; just trying to understand, accept, embrace and move on with some grace. So now here’s a slightly overdue catch up :) Exams are creeping up on me pretty fast, my first being on 31st May and I wish I could say I am “revising”. In truth it’s a case of learning the entire syllabus first (otherwise known to students as "cramming"). I know many of you are probably sitting there thinking exactly the same thing – but seriously, do you think a year’s curriculum can be learnt in a few weeks??! I’m still swinging it at the hotel, and things are getting really busy now; I s’pose peak season has commenced so each week we’re inundated by tour groups from various pockets of the world – last week China and Poland, this week Germany and India. I was baffled to get to work at 6.57am and find the restaurant already filled with 100 very hungry Germans. Strictly speaking our breakfast service doesn’t begin until 8am so you can probably guess how much we were just rushed off our feet. I really enjoy my job though, especially as now that I've been there a while I feel I know what I’m doing. I can waltz in and out of the kitchen, make my own lunches, help Chef finish dishes – and I love it. It makes me very sure that I’d like to run a restaurant of my own one day. It’s a real eye-opener as well, for example, it’s pretty obvious that you’d keep pasta and sauce separately prepared in advance and then combine and heat them when you get an order – but until I didn’t see it, I didn’t really think about it, if you know what I mean? Well, the night is nigh now and I’ve probably bored you enough for a Saturday evening already lol...so whatever it is you’re up to, whoever you're spending it with just be sure enjoy it.
I’ve been housebound for three full days, and finally it seems a(n ever SO tiny, but nonetheless) significant dent has been made in the humongous mound of revision that beckoned. It’s arduous work but I’ve procrastinated as long as I possibly can without being at risk of flunking again. Urgh summer pleeeeease hurry up already! I do feel awfully productive though as I plough my way through the work; being the class-A control freak that I am, I've made a neat list of topics I need to cover and also drawn up a timetable (colour coordinated an all, something I'll inevitably never stick to but seemed a good idea at the time!), making the mountain seem like... well, slightly more manageable molehills if I’m honest. There’s also satisfaction that knows no bounds in ticking off the topics, one by one, as I finish revising them. Therapeutic. Speaking of which, I think an entire 72 hours plus of house-bounded-ness warrants a full day of retail therapy at least? :D Well, I think so. Off to Westfields tomorrow to meet a girly for lunch, and then (it’s not like I can exactly avoid it at a shopping centre?!) shopping with my best friend Rob. It has been a very long time since I’ve aimlessly window-shopped just because I feel like it. So I’m really looking forward to tomorrow.
I’ve had very many mixed thoughts lately as you’ve probably gathered. While I try everything within in my means to retain a positive outlook it’s really not so easy to switch off feelings. But life is a book of possibilities, and each day a new page. For the story to progress we must turn the page, taking the past as a premise for our future. So I have been trying to occupy my mind with things that make me feel progressive and productive. Preparing for exams, applying for internships, planning the summer and recreating my blog. I was sat on the garden swing this morning in the sunshine, when a quote I heard a very long time ago popped into my head. It's actually from an Indian TV soap (ask my mum for more details) but it just sums up my endeavour perfectly, in Hindi though, so bear with me :)
It roughly translates to – “Life’s nothing more than a cycle of ups and downs. Regretting the lows and taking for granted the highs are both at odds with human existence. The most important thing, is just to move on...”
