The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

As I gorged on this lovely, tangy little lemon meringue cupcake (from Tesco's, sold in a pair, in case you wondered; you'll probably end up eating both in one go), I found my mind wandering back to some long summer afternoons spent lazing by the lake in Garda with my best friend - reading (a book by the same title as this post), swimming, laughing, talking, sharing, eating, healing. A bittersweet longing for time and feelings that have already passed, it struck me as funny how certain tastes, smells, even sounds can take us right back in time - and the taste of lemon cake has forever etched itself in my mind as synonymous with forgiveness.

I've had a peculiar week - lacking, really, in anything blog-worthy. But I'm hoping this week will be filled with a lot more laughter. It's my last week at university and my last few days working for Boots too - time for change. Wishing you all a lovely weekend, make the most of the beaming sunshine.

xxx

Chin Up

When you're going through a tough time, I find one of the most humbling experiences is realising that practically everyone around you is going through something too. Though we're so diverse, essentially we all have the same hopes and dreams in life - the same feelings, reactions and aspirations. We all ride the same roller coaster, brave the same ups and downs and complete the same, timed, journey through life. When I first started writing here, I sort of hoped that I might be able to pen down something of relevance - a story, an anecdote, an experience that may be of use to others. It helps so much sometimes to know that you're not the first, the last or the only person who's been hurt. So today's message for a few very special girlfriends is that no matter how down and out you are, pick yourself up and carry on. It doesn't matter that you're not feeling at your best today, do it for the people that care about you. Somebody's missing your smile already. We've all been there; through the heart ache, the heart break and the absolute conviction that we'll never be the same again. But you will. And you'll be even better because you'll realise you're stronger than you ever knew. But just don’t give up for now.

xxx

Blogger Is Currently Unavailable

If you’re a blogger (on blogspot) you’ll no doubt be aware of the site outage that forced the engineering team to take it offline and put it into a “read-only” mode for the better part of two days – apparently they were just carrying out routine maintenance work on the site when they experienced some data corruption blah blah blah which meant they had to restore the site to a pre-maintenance format blah blah blah, whatever that means. Now, I wouldn’t really have noticed except that when I clicked onto the site to create a new post, the response was a recurrent (and frustrating) “service unavailable”. Then when I tried to return to my blog, about two of my posts had completely vanished.

I panicked. God did I panic. (N.B. Moment of realisation, I am addicted. I am addicted?!). Typical net-savvy surfer’s reaction – Google it and see if anyone else’s had the same issue. So I did (and eventually found out all of the above information, relaxed a little albeit with bated breath, waiting for my lost posts to be restored) but when I typed “blogger” into Google news search, the first story that came up was actually something completely different. And I guess that’s what I want to make a note of today, and share with you as well –

This is what the search engine churned out:

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/connect/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501833&objectid=10724740

“

Final Blog Touches Millions in Cyberspace.

A Canadian blogger's moving last message of love and hope published after he died from cancer last week has drawn millions of hits from people inspired by his grace.

Derek Miller, 41, ends it with a declaration to his wife of 16 years: "I don't know what we'd have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you."

”

Naturally I clicked onto his blog (now an archive I guess) and I don’t think I have ever read anything so candid yet so comforting. I need not say much more either because his words say it all. Despite knowing he was staring death square in the face, he describes living with cancer with moving honesty but without even a trace of self-pity. He's proud of the life he has lived, and though he wishes he could be there to watch his family grow he takes solace in the thought that what he won't know can't hurt him. In his own words,

“The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don't look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same."

His words stun [me] and his bravery is profound. His last words put perspective on life, so much perspective. Life really is very short, and there's nothing more to it than sharing it willingly with another. If you've made somebody smile and you leave the world a better place then we've lived a full life regardless of how prematurely it may end. The message is simple.

http://www.penmachine.com/2011/05/the-last-post

X

Why Rainy Days Smell of Romance

I remember being in Stockholm a while back, pondering the leisure of waking up to sunshine beaming in through the window - one of life's greatest pleasures, I said, but I think I might have to repeal my words. One of life's little pleasures, it is, but it's just that being woken by the gentle pitter-patter of a spring shower probably comes in a marginal winner. Sunshine gives you motivation to get out of bed and get on with your day, whereas the rain and the expectant, overcast skies provide justification for cuddling back down, making yourself a coffee and watching movies in bed. There’s something so refreshing about rain, the earthy smell and cool moist breeze that comes with it. It's massively romanticised in Bollywood movies, (for those who don’t know, I post a clip for your reference – it’s from a rather quirky little movie called ‘Wake Up Sid’) so having grown up watching them I guess it’s a pretty clear explanation as to why I find the rains so evocative. It’s been a long spell of warm, dry weather and today, the rain was a revitalizing break (almost) like the Mumbai monsoons (mini-heatweave, followed by a mini-monsoon, if you catch my drift?) Ahhhh the monsoons - I think it’s time we met again.

I feel it’s been a while since I blogged about day-to-day happenings. It’s so easy to be pretentious (or 'poncy' as my friend puts it) in writing but that’s definitely not how I’d like to come across - I’ve been through a bit of rough patch in life and while break-ups, agreed, aren’t the end of the world, it can be hard to accept that someone walked away from you as though you didn't give them anything worth staying for. And that’s what my past few blog posts have been about; just trying to understand, accept, embrace and move on with some grace.

So now here’s a slightly overdue catch up :) Exams are creeping up on me pretty fast, my first being on 31^st May and I wish I could say I am “revising”. In truth it’s a case of learning the entire syllabus first (otherwise known to students as "cramming"). I know many of you are probably sitting there thinking exactly the same thing – but seriously, do you think a year’s curriculum can be learnt in a few weeks??! I’m still swinging it at the hotel, and things are getting really busy now; I s’pose peak season has commenced so each week we’re inundated by tour groups from various pockets of the world – last week China and Poland, this week Germany and India. I was baffled to get to work at 6.57am and find the restaurant already filled with 100 very hungry Germans. Strictly speaking our breakfast service doesn’t begin until 8am so you can probably guess how much we were just rushed off our feet. I really enjoy my job though, especially as now that I've been there a while I feel I know what I’m doing. I can waltz in and out of the kitchen, make my own lunches, help Chef finish dishes – and I love it. It makes me very sure that I’d like to run a restaurant of my own one day. It’s a real eye-opener as well, for example, it’s pretty obvious that you’d keep pasta and sauce separately prepared in advance and then combine and heat them when you get an order – but until I didn’t see it, I didn’t really think about it, if you know what I mean?

Well, the night is nigh now and I’ve probably bored you enough for a Saturday evening already lol...so whatever it is you’re up to, whoever you're spending it with just be sure enjoy it.

X

A Girl (or Guy)'s Guide To Getting Better

I think it’s fair to say that low self-esteem is a very common affliction (yes boys, I’m looking at you too). I know I look in the mirror and see thighs that are too fat, legs that are too short, skin that’s uneven in tone...I think you get the picture. Of course self-esteem doesn’t relate solely to what we think we look like either - that would be shallow. But after being dumped, after a failure of any sorts, or a breakdown, it’s inevitable to feel fairly…inadequate. Unattractive. Attractiveness, and your perception of your own attractiveness plays a key part in confidence - which explains the popularity of shows like Trinny and Susannah and Gok Wan. Low self esteem doesn’t only undermine your chances with the opposite sex but slowly creeps into every aspect of your life, impairing your ability to make the right choices. It’s not long before lack of confidence will make a couch potato out of a social butterfly, your insecurities making you want to hide away from the rest of the human species. Ask me, I think I’m somewhere in that place.

But, enough wallowing now. Enough bridge-dwelling troll imagery every time we look in the mirror. It’s high time we shimmy back up the ropeladder of self-confidence, and if you need some help doing the same, here are a few Miss Raj tried-and-tested techniques for how to go about it.

PAMPER YOURSELF

1. Book hour long aromatherapy session to alleviate tension.

2. Realise you could buy two pairs of jeans and a new summer dress for the money, and promptly cancel appointment.

3. Ask mum for advice.

4. Now take her advice, make a trip to TK Maxx and invest in some aromatherapy bath oils (£3.99 for a set of 3).

5. Enact aromatherapy relaxation session in the privacy of your own bathtub.

GO ON HOLIDAY

1. ...or atleast plan one if your schedule doesn't permit an instant get away. Even the thought of breaking gruelling routines will brighten your day.

2. Leaf through shiny Thomas Cook(/not so shiny Easy Jet, if you’re a broke student, like me) brochures during your lunch break (and in your aromatherapy bath too of course, though I’d advise snapping out of your reverie before your skin wrinkles).

3. Select destination, making sure it won’t break the bank and force you to live on pot noodle and toast for the rest of the year - I guarantee that won't help your self esteem.

4. Ensnare one willing (or not, doesn’t really matter) volunteer into going with you, preferably your best friend or your mum - always willing to hear you wallow about the woes.

5. Book and then bask.

SLEEP

1. I feel sorry for the poor souls who cross my path the day after a sleepless night. Trust me, I will eat you alive. Doesn’t help being told that you look tired either – code for “you don’t look great”.

2. So just sleep it off! Problems look so much smaller, so much more manageable. Plus, there’s no better face lift than a full 8 hours of sleep.

EAT WELL.

1. During the first stages of depression, mum will no doubt nurture you and smother you with food fit for a queen. Let her. Enjoy it. Mum has a magic wand that will never fail to remedy her child.

2. When you feel a little better (i.e. you don’t burst hysterically into tears if you burn your toast at breakfast), get cooking yourself. Creativity banishes despondency in a jiffy. Mushroom risotto is a good starting place. Comfort on a plate, truly.

3. If all else fails, just reach for the stash of Easter eggs under your bed.

LOOK GOOD AT ALL TIMES
NB - Outlandishly difficult
1. Take time to curl your hair, a la Shakira. There’s no harm in turning a few heads, every girl has some va va voom in her.

2. Step out into the glorious British sunshine with a spring in your step and some heels on your feet, only for it to start p***ing it down with rain on you.

3. Arrive at the office with poker straight (albeit a little damp) hair and scowl fiercely at your colleague for complimenting you (“You’re so lucky to have straight hair, mine just curls right up in the rain!”).Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

TAKE UP A NEW HOBBY

1. Start learning how to knit.

2. Decide not to learn how to knit as not 80.

3. Instead, buy a top-notch Nikon camera. What better way to remind yourself that life is full of beauty, perhaps you just stopped taking the time to notice?

WRITE A BLOG

It’s true that some people look down their noses at blogging. It’s not a respected craft. But in my world, if you can make yourself laugh, you’re already scuttling back up that ladder of self-esteem. Better still, if you can make other people laugh (even very slightly) they might be too distracted by your stories to notice that you smell of lavender oil (‘cause you fell asleep in the bath, dreaming of swinging in a hammock on some far away beach.....). And that, my friends, is no small talent itself.

AND FINALLY, JUST REMEMBER YOU DESERVE BETTER.

There are many reasons people take a blow in life. Unsuccessful relationships, broken marriages, or losing a job. It can be health problems or financial difficulties – maybe you’ve lost some-one close, or some-one is taking you for granted. Don’t let them. It’s about time you learn to be proud of yourself. Take ownership for your decisions and stand by them because they make you the person you are, and frankly, you’re pretty darn fantastic... ;)

X

New Looks, Old Love and Fresh Starts...

So welcome to the new look blog - a new look, I'm hoping, to reflect a new life. It’s Easter tomorrow, and I couldn’t think of an occasion more befitting, to start over again. I'm a single girl now, not by choice but by default. I know I’m not the first and last to suffer a break-up, but that doesn’t make it any easier, right?! A break up hurts like f***; it’s not just losing some-one, but also all the shared dreams and commitments; it’s uncharted territory where everything is disrupted: routine, responsibilities, even your identity. To top it, there’s the doubts and questions, outright fears; What will life be like? Will you end up alone? What did you do wrong? Doesn’t exactly help when all anyone is talking about is...

THE ROYAL WEDDING.

Even if you bury your head in the sand for the next week, you’re gonna be hard pushed to avoid this one; as a British subject I can’t say I exactly understand the hype, but, as a girl, I somehow feel a little differently. This week’s been packed with catching the latest on the Will-Kate wedding (strictly for work purposes, I assure you), but looking at pictures of Kate, it’s not difficult to see why the girl looks so happy. She wears a ring on her finger, given to her by the man she loves.

(I’m not always this soppy. You can put the sick bucket away now).

Thursday 21st April 2o11

Last day today of almost three 7-day weeks and I’m SO excited about having a lie in tomorrow it’s almost sad... but then consecutive 6am alarms aren’t really too much fun.

It’s my last day, also, in Old Street today. Every time I have set foot out of the underground station a beautiful new development of flats has towered over me, ominously – and I have to say, living in one of them, one day, is a dream. London is just SO expensive though, and why wouldn’t it be? It’s over-populated, over-hyped by foreigners, and really got something to it (I almost feel like I should rename this blog “the London diaries”, the amount I seem to harp on about it.) But really, London, whoever you are, and wherever you’re from, is a city you can make your own, call your own. YouGov has been great experience and fortunately for me it looks like I will continue writing for the site once a week.

At the moment it feels as though I’m living a cycle I’m just unable to break out of. I wake up, everyday, hoping to feel better, to have forgotten some of the past. But it never happens; I realise though, that as much as I wish it would stand still for me, time is moving on, and so too is the world. So from me, for now, it’s over and out. xxx

Wednesday 20th April 2o11

*Maybe I lied. The highlight of my day was actually discovering a link on the BBC news website to one of my articles on the YouGov page. I have to say though that despite absolutely lovin’ this work experience, the very best parts of my day come often when I’m home, where an aura of hope and happiness pervades, and though we have troubles like any other family, we just count the blessing that we are all well and together. We joke and laugh, eat together and there’s a reassurance in knowing that the house is ‘full’, the family complete.

I feel a little melancholy today – it’s glorious outside and the warmth takes me back to summer times gone by. It’s still difficult to digest the truth, that sometimes what we lose in the passage of time can never, ever come back.

We’re 2/3 of the way through April already, even though the start of the year seems only just to have passed. It’s crystal clear in my mind, the memory of a midnight filled with promise as though it were just yesterday. So far 2011 has brought little other than struggle, but I haven’t given up hope that when things are as bad as they can possibly be, they will only get better. The seasons are smiling, and so too will life.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13091768