The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

As I gorged on this lovely, tangy little lemon meringue cupcake (from Tesco's, sold in a pair, in case you wondered; you'll probably end up eating both in one go), I found my mind wandering back to some long summer afternoons spent lazing by the lake in Garda with my best friend - reading (a book by the same title as this post), swimming, laughing, talking, sharing, eating, healing. A bittersweet longing for time and feelings that have already passed, it struck me as funny how certain tastes, smells, even sounds can take us right back in time - and the taste of lemon cake has forever etched itself in my mind as synonymous with forgiveness.

I've had a peculiar week - lacking, really, in anything blog-worthy. But I'm hoping this week will be filled with a lot more laughter. It's my last week at university and my last few days working for Boots too - time for change. Wishing you all a lovely weekend, make the most of the beaming sunshine.

xxx

Books, Boredom and Broken Hearts

So I’ve FINALLY made a dent in my revision following the dullest (yester)day in the history of mankind – but BOY do I feel relieved. Bored out of my wits, yes. Mind-numbed after tedious upon tedious minute of mathematics for economists, yes. But still, worth it for the slight relief of having gotten some work done! I still have a long way to go though and this lack of concentration-ness is not helping one bit – I find I stare at a page for undefined periods of time (can range from 2 minutes to 25) without taking in so much as even the title. Not good. I’ve never been through ‘heartbreak’ before, but in hindsight, why isn’t love bloody sold with a health warning on the packet?! You know, like with cigarettes. Warning: Lost Love Kills or Sleepless nights, Broken Trust, and Estranged Boyfriend Beyond: Enter at your own risk. Nah, no warning. Not even an inkling quite frankly. Friends say don’t worry, just chill, it takes time...Family say throw yourself into life, distract yourself left right and centre. Effectively, you gotta convince your brain there’s no boyfriend-shaped hole in your life anymore by filling the gap with activities, hobbies, distractions, passions and anything slash everything else, fooling your mind into forgetting. But, as another friend rather wisely pointed out I’m “emotionally vacant”, not “mentally”. Emotionally = emotions = matters relating to the heart. Yeah, my mind can be explained away, but what about the bruised, broken and slightly pathetic little heart?! It’s amidst this painstaking emotional vacancy that I come to the conclusion (and I think I speak on behalf of girls in general here) that forgetting somebody you love has to be one of the hardest things ever.

But I’ll tell you what’s probably harder - I seem to spend a lot of time in and out of the kitchens at work these days, and I was chatting to the chef, ‘C’ for a while on Sunday morning. I wouldn’t say I’m nosy exactly but I do like to know the feelings and fears behind a face. People are not subjects but walking, talking books of history and it’s with this curiosity that I asked C if he misses home (the Philippines) especially in the winter months. His answer was ‘Yes, but what choice to I have? I have two teenage sons and education back home is not free. I earn enough here to give them a good education there.’ It’s humbling because I’d always thought there’s no reason good enough for staying away from loved ones. He hasn’t set eyes on his family for over a year – and that must be bloody tough!

It’s been quite a good day today and I don’t actually feel too guilty for indulging myself because I banged out the revision with surprising efficiency yesterday – started with a lovely jog through the countryside with mum followed by coffee with a (recently returned from India) reeeeeally good friend. Bumped into numerous ex-colleagues in Watford, South-Indian lunch with mum and then a little revision when we got in. Spent some time cooking for the family (mushroom farfalle, yummy yummy yum yum ) and also submitted another article to YouGov. The best part though has to be my roses. Mum and I have spent a long time in the gardens over the years and it’s so lovely to see efforts coming to fruition.

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A Girl (or Guy)'s Guide To Getting Better

I think it’s fair to say that low self-esteem is a very common affliction (yes boys, I’m looking at you too). I know I look in the mirror and see thighs that are too fat, legs that are too short, skin that’s uneven in tone...I think you get the picture. Of course self-esteem doesn’t relate solely to what we think we look like either - that would be shallow. But after being dumped, after a failure of any sorts, or a breakdown, it’s inevitable to feel fairly…inadequate. Unattractive. Attractiveness, and your perception of your own attractiveness plays a key part in confidence - which explains the popularity of shows like Trinny and Susannah and Gok Wan. Low self esteem doesn’t only undermine your chances with the opposite sex but slowly creeps into every aspect of your life, impairing your ability to make the right choices. It’s not long before lack of confidence will make a couch potato out of a social butterfly, your insecurities making you want to hide away from the rest of the human species. Ask me, I think I’m somewhere in that place.

But, enough wallowing now. Enough bridge-dwelling troll imagery every time we look in the mirror. It’s high time we shimmy back up the ropeladder of self-confidence, and if you need some help doing the same, here are a few Miss Raj tried-and-tested techniques for how to go about it.

PAMPER YOURSELF

1. Book hour long aromatherapy session to alleviate tension.

2. Realise you could buy two pairs of jeans and a new summer dress for the money, and promptly cancel appointment.

3. Ask mum for advice.

4. Now take her advice, make a trip to TK Maxx and invest in some aromatherapy bath oils (£3.99 for a set of 3).

5. Enact aromatherapy relaxation session in the privacy of your own bathtub.

GO ON HOLIDAY

1. ...or atleast plan one if your schedule doesn't permit an instant get away. Even the thought of breaking gruelling routines will brighten your day.

2. Leaf through shiny Thomas Cook(/not so shiny Easy Jet, if you’re a broke student, like me) brochures during your lunch break (and in your aromatherapy bath too of course, though I’d advise snapping out of your reverie before your skin wrinkles).

3. Select destination, making sure it won’t break the bank and force you to live on pot noodle and toast for the rest of the year - I guarantee that won't help your self esteem.

4. Ensnare one willing (or not, doesn’t really matter) volunteer into going with you, preferably your best friend or your mum - always willing to hear you wallow about the woes.

5. Book and then bask.

SLEEP

1. I feel sorry for the poor souls who cross my path the day after a sleepless night. Trust me, I will eat you alive. Doesn’t help being told that you look tired either – code for “you don’t look great”.

2. So just sleep it off! Problems look so much smaller, so much more manageable. Plus, there’s no better face lift than a full 8 hours of sleep.

EAT WELL.

1. During the first stages of depression, mum will no doubt nurture you and smother you with food fit for a queen. Let her. Enjoy it. Mum has a magic wand that will never fail to remedy her child.

2. When you feel a little better (i.e. you don’t burst hysterically into tears if you burn your toast at breakfast), get cooking yourself. Creativity banishes despondency in a jiffy. Mushroom risotto is a good starting place. Comfort on a plate, truly.

3. If all else fails, just reach for the stash of Easter eggs under your bed.

LOOK GOOD AT ALL TIMES
NB - Outlandishly difficult
1. Take time to curl your hair, a la Shakira. There’s no harm in turning a few heads, every girl has some va va voom in her.

2. Step out into the glorious British sunshine with a spring in your step and some heels on your feet, only for it to start p***ing it down with rain on you.

3. Arrive at the office with poker straight (albeit a little damp) hair and scowl fiercely at your colleague for complimenting you (“You’re so lucky to have straight hair, mine just curls right up in the rain!”).Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

TAKE UP A NEW HOBBY

1. Start learning how to knit.

2. Decide not to learn how to knit as not 80.

3. Instead, buy a top-notch Nikon camera. What better way to remind yourself that life is full of beauty, perhaps you just stopped taking the time to notice?

WRITE A BLOG

It’s true that some people look down their noses at blogging. It’s not a respected craft. But in my world, if you can make yourself laugh, you’re already scuttling back up that ladder of self-esteem. Better still, if you can make other people laugh (even very slightly) they might be too distracted by your stories to notice that you smell of lavender oil (‘cause you fell asleep in the bath, dreaming of swinging in a hammock on some far away beach.....). And that, my friends, is no small talent itself.

AND FINALLY, JUST REMEMBER YOU DESERVE BETTER.

There are many reasons people take a blow in life. Unsuccessful relationships, broken marriages, or losing a job. It can be health problems or financial difficulties – maybe you’ve lost some-one close, or some-one is taking you for granted. Don’t let them. It’s about time you learn to be proud of yourself. Take ownership for your decisions and stand by them because they make you the person you are, and frankly, you’re pretty darn fantastic... ;)

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