So I’ve FINALLY made a dent in my revision following the dullest (yester)day in the history of mankind – but BOY do I feel relieved. Bored out of my wits, yes. Mind-numbed after tedious upon tedious minute of mathematics for economists, yes. But still, worth it for the slight relief of having gotten some work done! I still have a long way to go though and this lack of concentration-ness is not helping one bit – I find I stare at a page for undefined periods of time (can range from 2 minutes to 25) without taking in so much as even the title. Not good. I’ve never been through ‘heartbreak’ before, but in hindsight, why isn’t love bloody sold with a health warning on the packet?! You know, like with cigarettes. Warning: Lost Love Kills or Sleepless nights, Broken Trust, and Estranged Boyfriend Beyond: Enter at your own risk. Nah, no warning. Not even an inkling quite frankly. Friends say don’t worry, just chill, it takes time...Family say throw yourself into life, distract yourself left right and centre. Effectively, you gotta convince your brain there’s no boyfriend-shaped hole in your life anymore by filling the gap with activities, hobbies, distractions, passions and anything slash everything else, fooling your mind into forgetting. But, as another friend rather wisely pointed out I’m “emotionally vacant”, not “mentally”. Emotionally = emotions = matters relating to the heart. Yeah, my mind can be explained away, but what about the bruised, broken and slightly pathetic little heart?! It’s amidst this painstaking emotional vacancy that I come to the conclusion (and I think I speak on behalf of girls in general here) that forgetting somebody you love has to be one of the hardest things ever.
But I’ll tell you what’s probably harder - I seem to spend a lot of time in and out of the kitchens at work these days, and I was chatting to the chef, ‘C’ for a while on Sunday morning. I wouldn’t say I’m nosy exactly but I do like to know the feelings and fears behind a face. People are not subjects but walking, talking books of history and it’s with this curiosity that I asked C if he misses home (the Philippines) especially in the winter months. His answer was ‘Yes, but what choice to I have? I have two teenage sons and education back home is not free. I earn enough here to give them a good education there.’ It’s humbling because I’d always thought there’s no reason good enough for staying away from loved ones. He hasn’t set eyes on his family for over a year – and that must be bloody tough!
It’s been quite a good day today and I don’t actually feel too guilty for indulging myself because I banged out the revision with surprising efficiency yesterday – started with a lovely jog through the countryside with mum followed by coffee with a (recently returned from India) reeeeeally good friend. Bumped into numerous ex-colleagues in Watford, South-Indian lunch with mum and then a little revision when we got in. Spent some time cooking for the family (mushroom farfalle, yummy yummy yum yum ) and also submitted another article to YouGov. The best part though has to be my roses. Mum and I have spent a long time in the gardens over the years and it’s so lovely to see efforts coming to fruition.